Naruto and Sasuke's Excellent Journey
by Titan Nerd 68
Summary: Naruto and Sasuke travel through time to visit their families.
1. The Discovery

Naruto and Sasuke's Excellent Journey

As you know, I do not own the title characters. In this one, Naruto and Sasuke find out that their parents are actually still alive and just left the village (I'll explain all of that later). So they go through time to attend two family reunions. And why is Sasuke still on the show, you ask? He's making a special appearance. Read it.

Chapter 1: The Discovery

In which Naruto and Sasuke attend a cast party, read two strange letters, and root through Mr. Uchiha's belongings

* * *

"...tune in next season to find out!" Naruto said.

"CUT!" shouted the director. Everyone got on the set.

"On three," Naruto said. "One, two three!"

"SUCK IT, DBZ!" the whole cast shouted.

"Indeed," said Naruto. "And as the protagonist, I've gotta say some things. Firstly, a big congrats to Sasuke for his cameo at the end of the episode. You handled your role so well."

"I work in the village mailroom in real life," said Sasuke. "I'm not here anymore, so I have to pay my bills somehow."

"And a big shoutout to Kakashi," said Naruto, "For his excellent use of the...the...what was that again?"

"I don't remember," said Kakashi. He had his mask down and was smoking a joint. "I don't remember anything anymore, but I don't care. I don't care. I. Do. Not. Care." He passed out.

"He does that all the time," said Naruto. "So, I believe the party is at Chouji's house?"

"No good," said Chouji. "My parents couldn't leave for their anniversary, so they're staying home. And getting it on like they do every year."

"Okay," said Naruto. "And let's not forget the time Shino accidently filmed that."

"I thought it was Chouji getting with Hinata," said Shino.

"Yeah, like I'm that fat," said Hinata. "Ino, is your house still open?"

"It is," said Ino, "But there are a few rules. Firstly, don't go in my parents' liquor cabinet. All they drink is hard whiskey, and it's awful. Secondly, do not ever use the downstairs bathroom for any reason. We still haven't exorcised it and yesterday is the anniversary of my grandfather's death, so he's real cranky right now. And thirdly, party the fuck on!"

"YEAH!"

The teens in the cast went to Ino's house to get wasted. The adults were more sensible. They got wasted at the village tavern. Except for Iruka, who was designated rickshaw carrier. They still don't drive in Konohagakure. It doesn't matter, though, Iruka still had the largest drink offered at the tavern and Gai still had to carry him home. Which he would have done had he not fallen asleep in the bathroom.

Over at the Yamanaka house, the teens were partying hard. Sakura was the only sober one, as she had only had seven beers. Neji was the wildest, and he had only had three beers. The next morning was the kicker. Ino woke up after sleeping for two minutes to start cleaning up.

"Fuck," she said as she looked around the house. "Thank god I have the whole day to clean this mess up. Okay, everyone! (ow) Let's clean this shit up and get out of here!"

"Sure thing, Mommy," Shino slurred. He then turned to a nearby potted plant and threw up in the flowerpot. "Sorry. That was a strong laxative I took."

"That's nothing," said Chouji. "I took a stronger one." He pulled down his pants and proceeded to take a dump in the kitchen sink.

"Ino, you need help," said Naruto. He had mostly sobered up and was taking all of the empty bottles and cans out. Sasuke was right in front of him finishing all the bottles and cans. "Don't worry. I'm good at holding things in." He looked at his pants. "Most of the time, at least."

"Just clean up my house," said Ino as she dug in her freezer. "I need ice like there's no fucking tomorrow."

Noon eventually rolled around and by that point, the Yamanaka house was clean enough that it at least looked like there hadn't been teen drinking there the previous night. It now looked like there had been college students drinking there, but that was how it looked most of the time anyway. Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke went to their houses to shower and change before meeting Sasuke back at his house.

"Hey, Sasuke," said Naruto. "I'd like to know where this letter was."

"I'd like to know the same thing," said Sasuke. "I don't send the letters, I work in the mailroom. I inspect letters. I don't have time to read them. And my mail is delivered to my house. I've not yet been promoted to mailman."

"Mail carrier," said Sakura.

"I'm also not allowed to be politically correct at my job," said Sasuke. "Too many right wings. But yeah, I also got a letter from my parents."

"Recently?" asked Naruto. "Because mine's from last year." He took the letter out and read it. "Dear Naruto. Hi. We are your parents. While we know that you do not know us or anyone else in the family, we do know that you have a great career. And we hope it lasts. So, here's why we're writing. We want you to meet the family. And us. Your character may be an orphan, but you, Naruto the actor, are not. You have a family that loves you. So meet us this August for the Uzumaki family reunion in the Village Located in this Cave that is Clearly a Cave and Nothing Else. Hope to see you there. Love, your parents, Rick and Jill Uzumaki."

"Wow," said Sakura. "Never would have guessed those are your parents' names."

"Yeah," said Naruto. "I can't believe it, either. My parents' names. Are Rick and Jill. My dad's name is Richard Uzumaki." He kicked the wall. "My dad's name is Rick!"

"Hey, he didn't pick it," said Sasuke. "And I thought your dad's name was Namikaze Minato."

"I did, too," said Sakura.

"Whatever the hell his name is," said Naruto, "I'm gonna get some answers when I see him."

"Well, my letter is basically the same thing," said Sasuke. "It's from my parents saying that they hope to see me at the family reunion. Problem is that this letter should have come to me last year."

"Hey, same here," said Naruto. "But I also got this other letter from my dad saying that he was glad to see me. So he's either outside of the house looking in the windows, or we went back in time."

The three of them stopped for a second.

"Is it possible?" Sakura asked. "We are fictional characters, after all."

"It might be possible," said Sasuke. "My dad did have this project. He completed it and built a legit time machine."

"A legit time machine?" Naruto asked. "This isn't a sci-fi manga we live in, Sasuke."

"Doesn't change the fact that he built it. I remember those days like they were yesterday. Let's see, I was about five years old, and Itachi and I were always looking at our packrat dad tinkering with the two Segways and the Macbook computer. And it took him about twelve weeks to build it. But he did. He lashed the wheels on the two Segways together so that he had a dual one and soldered the Macbook to the middle of the handlebars."

"Wow," said Sakura. "Your dad's a nerd."

"Yeah," said Sasuke. "Dad's a nerd, he and Mom are both packrats, and Itachi's a rebel. I didn't throw anything out when Itachi killed them and left. I guess it was stunts, but why they didn't stick around, I don't know. We don't have a garage, and the attic was already full at the time, and the basement just has boxes of trash, so it's probably with his other projects in the shed."

"In the backyard where the evil family chimera still lives?" asked Sakura.

"No," said Sasuke. "Freddy ate too many people who went back there, so Dad moved everything in there across the street."

They went out to the shed and started rooting through its contents, but finding nothing. Sasuke tripped over a trapdoor and opened it, revealing a staircase going down even deeper.

"I completely forgot about his lab," said Sasuke. "This was where my dad took experiments and projects and jogged ideas."

Naruto and Sakura looked around at the Operation game, stack of DVDs in the corner (all of them somehow related to Dan Aykroyd), the inflatable woman, and a bucket of Legos.

"Anyone want to play Operation?" Sasuke asked.

"No," said Naruto. "I think we found it."

"Oh, yes," said Sasuke. "Nice eye, Naruto." He looked at the time machine. "Just as Dad left it."

"You're going to use that to travel through time?" Sakura asked. "You know, Sasuke, I've always preferred your character earlier in the series. You yourself, you're too much of a regular guy."

"Hey, this is how I am," said Sasuke. "What's my age again? It's twenty-three."

"And nobody likes you when you're twenty-three," said Sakura, "And you still act like you're in freshman year. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I have a problem with heartburn," said Sasuke. He looked at the time machine for a second, then plugged it into the wall. "It'll take...two hours for the computer to charge. And then another two hours to charge each Segway."

"Or you can just do this," said Sakura. She plugged each Segway into the wall. "Your character would have figured that out."

"Funny, huh," said Naruto. "And neither me the actor nor my character would have seen that."

"Good thing I'm as smart as my character," said Sakura. "Look, you do know that you have to be careful when traveling through time." She pulled down a chart. "Look. If you go to the past, you have to leave everything you see there untouched. And I mean literally untouched. The only thing you can touch is the ground you walk on or the doors you go into. And make sure that opening a door doesn't foil some bank robber's escape, no matter how much you want to stop him."

"Okay," said Naruto. "Hey, Sasuke, let's attend a Beatles concert."

"If you do go to a concert," said Sakura, "Do not come back here stoned. And if you go to the future, don't steal something and bring it back. That's illegal."

"But if we bring it back here and pretend to have invented it," said Sasuke, "Then no one would know."

"I would," said Sakura, "Because I know what you two are about to do."

"You'd have to prove it," said Naruto.

"I'm filming every minute of this on my phone," said Sakura.

"Dammit," said Naruto. "Look, Sakura, we can do this ourselves."

"That's what you said when you tried to set up the karaoke machines for Kakashi's party," said Sakura.

"I was drunk," said Naruto.

"And I was celebrating Universal Jack Off Day," said Sasuke. "I'm right handed and I had to keep stroking."

"Those are both facts that don't change the fact that you burned his house down," said Sakura. "Look, just leave your phones here. I don't trust you with them going through time."

For the next hour and thirty minutes, they went out and had lunch. Finally, they went back to Sasuke's house and prepared to travel through time.

"Wait, wait," said Sakura. "Sasuke, are you sure this thing works?"

"It should work," said Sasuke. "I know both Segways worked when my dad built this because he rode them home from the store, and I know the computer works because Itachi used it to check his e-mail. After Dad put the three things together, the only time I ever saw him use it was to play solitaire for three hours. I don't know if he ever traveled through time with it."

"You two might be fucked," said Sakura. "Just don't do anything stupid in the past."

"Okay," said Sasuke. He and Naruto got on the time machine and started it up. Sasuke opened up the Time Travel function from the dock and typed in Renaissance. Naruto turned the keys in the Segways and they started moving forward. They inched forward down the Uchiha driveway. "Any second now, we'll get into the time warp."

"Sometime this century," said Naruto. "No pun intended."

"They're Segways, they don't go fast," said Sakura.

"Maybe if we lean forward a bit," said Naruto. "I've heard that makes these things go faster." They leaned forward and disappeared into the time warp.

"Wow, never thought that would happen," said Sakura. She went into Sasuke's house. "I'll wait for them to get back. With any luck, Sasuke will conduct himself more like his character than his real self. Or maybe he and Naruto will fuck up. But maybe they'll do something other than themselves."

Naruto and Sasuke were in Italy. They were harassing Leonardo da Vinci.

* * *

Here's the first chapter. I think I'll finish this one before Ash and Gary. Tell me if you like!


	2. The Past

Naruto and Sasuke's Excellent Journey

As you know, I do not own the title characters. In this one, Naruto and Sasuke find out that their parents are actually still alive and just left the village (I'll explain all of that later). So they go through time to attend two family reunions. And why is Sasuke still on the show, you ask? He's making a special appearance. Read it.

Chapter 2: The Past

In which Naruto and Sasuke change the Shikamaru they know, cause Charles Tolle much misery, and start the American Revolutionary War

* * *

"Oh, man!" Naruto laughed. He and Sasuke were traveling through the time warp to the years of their childhood. "That was awesome!"

"I know!" Sasuke said. "It was so funny when you took that turtle and said, 'Leo, this turtle will one day be your son named after you.' But I don't think he spoke English."

They landed in the year they were born, 1984, in Konohagakure. They road down the rode during the middle of a Tuesday. No one was around, so they went unnoticed until a man came out of a house.

"Hey, you two!" he shouted. "Who are you and what are you doing?" Naruto and Sasuke turned around to see a man they recognized as Kiba's father. He had an 80s style haircut and bell bottoms. They did their best to keep from laughing as he approached. "Are you from around here?"

"This is the place where we will be from," said Naruto. "And I know this room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters...oh, I thought we were singing. Anyway, you're clearly an Inuzuka, and I know this because you smell like you rolled around in your own shit."

"What?" Mr. Inuzuka looked confused.

"Oh, and your son," Sasuke said. "That boy will be a real fuck-up."

"I don't have a son."

"Is your wife pregnant?"

"Yes."

"If you have a son," said Naruto, "Name him Kiba. And if you have a daughter, name her Fah-Chay-Chay."

"What?"

Naruto and Sasuke fell off their Segways laughing.

"Why is that funny?" Mr. Inuzuka asked. "And you still haven't answered my question."

"What question?" Sasuke asked.

"Don't play dumb with me, boy."

"He's not playing," said Naruto. "He's being. But we'll answer. My name is Upton Oswald Goode, but folks call me Upton O. Because the only Oswald around is Cobblepot, and he's a freak. And this kid's an Uchiha."

"Sasuke," said Sasuke.

"That's the name of the baby the Uchihas just had," said Mr. Inuzuka. "Who are you really?"

"Uh, look over there," said Naruto. "It's Christopher Guest making out with Madonna while Jimi Hendrix is videotaping it!"

"Hey, everyone!" Mr. Inuzuk shouted. "Hendrix is back from the dead!"

Naruto and Sasuke snuck away while most of the village ran to where Naruto had pointed.

"Who knew everyone was such a fan?" Sasuke asked. "Hendrix was the fucking man, but he wasn't that great."

They stopped cruising so that Naruto could punch Sasuke and kick the shit out of him.

"Don't! You! Ever! Insult! Jimi! Fucking! Hendrix! In front of me! Believe it!"

"Hey, wait," said Sasuke. "This should be the Nara house."

"I have an idea," said Naruto. "Let's get Shikamaru and drop him down the stairs."

"That could kill him."

"Okay, we can do it carefully. We just want to damage his brain so that he's not so boring all the time."

"Oh, that's fine. Yeah, let's do it."

They climbed into the window and snuck upstairs. Mr. and Mrs. Nara were watching TV in the living room. Naruto and Sasuke went upstairs and took the baby out of his crib.

"He's so cute as a baby," said Sasuke. "Let's take him back to the present and show him."

"Let's not," said Naruto. They carefully carried Shikamaru to the stairs. "All right, count of three."

"Do we throw him on three or after three?" Sasuke asked.

"Let's throw him now," said Naruto. They dropped Shikamaru down the last four steps to the bottom, making sure he hit his head a few times. They then ran upstairs and traveled back into the time warp as Shikamaru started crying.

"What happened?" asked an uninterested Mr. Nara as he and his wife went to see the commotion.

"How'd Shikamaru get out of his crib and down the stairs?" asked Mrs. Nara. "Ah, who cares. He's putting us off Inspector Gadget. What a drag."

"Yeah, what a drag," said Mr. Nara as they left their infant son bawling at the bottom of the stairs. "Shut up!" Mr. Nara threw the remote control at his son.

_meanwhile in the present_

"And so, Mr. Nara," said the director during the script reading, "How is this scene supposed to make you feel?"

"Uh..." Shikamaru sat there drooling. Ino leaned over and wiped his mouth. "I don't know how the scene's supposed to make me feel," Shikamaru said. "Can I be excused? I have to go to the bathroom."

"Hurry it up, if you don't mind," said the director.

As he stood up from his chair, Shikamaru managed to trip on nothing.

"Never mind," he said as he got back in his chair. "Just went."

"Would you at least change?" Chouji asked. "I don't want to have to stare at your pissy crotch all day."

"Fine," said Shikamaru. "This is such a...a..."

"Drag?" Ino finished.

"Yeah, that." Shikmaru tripped on nothing again as he started walking home. "Where do I live again?"

"We're in your house, retard," said Ino. "You can't go anywhere and we take you to and from the studio."

"Sorry, I forgot," said Shikamaru. "Jesus." He tripped again as he walked up the stairs.

"I get the feeling he wasn't always like this," said the director.

"I get that same feeling," said Chouji. "It's like if something had or hadn't happened to him, he'd be a regular guy."

"I'm back," said Shikamaru as he walked down the stairs in his mother's underwear.

"Dear god," Ino groaned as she led him back up the stairs.

_back to the past_

"Oh, wow!" Naruto said. "Titan Nerd Studios! And it looks like it's Jeopardy time."

"Don't remind me," Charles groaned as he walked by. "The third game and I'm already sick of this bullshit."

"Let's find 002," said Sasuke. "I have an idea."

"What's that?"

"Let's pay him."

"To do what?"

"You'll see."

They found 002 reading a magazine in the backstage area.

"Hey, 002," said Sasuke. "I'm sure you know us. We'll pay you seventy dollars to answer as many questions as you can incorrectly."

"Thanks," said 002. "Are you two gonna stick around for the game?"

"Maybe a bit," said Naruto. They ran to the audience section and sat in the seats.

"And let's begin the game," Charles said with little interest. "Today we have 002, Sango, and CT Smith. I hate you all. Let's go to the Jeopardy board. The categories are: SHAZAM! (the correct answer to every question in that category, by the way, is Captain Marvel), WHAT COLOR IS THE PURPLE EGGPLANT, THREE LETTER WORDS, MEN NAMED ROBERT DE NIRO, THE MANY FUNCTIONS OF A PENCIL, and finally, ADVANCED ASTRONOMY. On second thought, let's make that PICTURES. Okay, Sango, you let me titty-fuck you, so you'll go first."

"I'm bored already," said Naruto.

"Yeah, let's go," Sasuke agreed. They left the studio and traveled back into their time warp.

"Hey, it's WWII," said Naruto. "Ya wanna stop and see?"

"No," said Sasuke. "Let's see if we can hit the crusades."

"No!" Naruto screamed. "I want to go to the Spanish-American War!"

"No, no, no!" Sasuke countered. "Look, if we turn here, we can go to the Napoleonic Wars."

They argued for a period as they tried to decide where they would go. They ended up on a mountain where Ash was carrying Gary.

"Goddammit, Naruto!" Sasuke said. "I told you to make that slight right in the Industrial Revolution!"

"Well, I could have if you didn't make that U-turn in the Great Depression!" Naruto argued.

"Yo, guys!" Ash called. "Naruto, Sasuke! Hey!"

"Oh, it's Ash and Gary," said Sasuke. "What's up? Gary, are you okay?"

"I fell and broke both forearms and both feet," said Gary, "So I'm the exact opposite of okay."

"When did that happen?" asked Naruto.

"About fifteen minutes ago in that cave back there," said Gary. "What's with the Segway?"

"It's my dad's," said Sasuke. "He's very nerdy."

"Why the present tense?" asked Ash. "I thought your parents were dead."

"No, I got a letter from them recently. It's a long story, but suffice it to say that these conjoined Segways and laptop are a fully functional time machine."

"Oh, that's perfect," said Gary. "You can go back to about twenty minutes before now and get me out of the cave and bring me here."

"That sounds like it would help you two a lot," said Sasuke. Naruto stepped off the machine while Sasuke traveled and returned with Gary from twenty minutes prior.

"Okay," said the present Gary. "About five minutes after the time Sasuke appeared and brought you here, you fall and become me."

"Got it," said the previous Gary. "Good thing Sasuke picked me up. Keeps the adventure moving."

"Say, would it be too much trouble to take me back?" present Gary asked. "I'm supposed to be injured in that cave."

"No problem," said Naruto.

"Oh, and new Gary," said present Gary. "Kick his ass. He threw me down a hill."

Naruto and Sasuke left with the injured Gary. They took him back to the cave and put him on the ground.

"So, you two are traveling through time," said Gary. "That sounds really fun."

"It is," said Naruto. "I don't know why people say not to mess with the past, though. The past is...I don't know what the past is."

"Yeah, well, I guess I'll see you later or something like that," said Gary. "Time travel is really weird."

"It is," said Sasuke. "Oh, before we go, name an important period in the world's history."

"The American Revolution."

"Thanks," said Naruto. He and Sasuke then took off into the time warp. "I can't wait to see the American Revolution. I'll finally get to see a head roll when the blade drops."

"No, that's the Russian Revolution," said Sasuke. "This is the one with Ulysses S Grant and company."

They arrived in Lexington. Men were hiding around town behind walls and in trees. British soldiers were marching around, looking for colonists. Naruto grabbed a musket and looked at it.

"Let's take it back as a souvenir," said Sasuke.

"No, let's leave it here," said Naruto. "I don't want it."

"Naruto, this is a real freakin' musket. Do you know how much we could sell this baby for?"

"I have an idea, but you and I don't need that kind of money. I'm still in the series, and you get paid royalties, plus you work in the post office."

"The hell with that, let's take it." He grabbed the musket and tried to wrench it out of Naruto's hands.

"We're leaving it here," said Naruto. He and Sasuke wrestled with the musket for a minute before they both dropped it, knocking back the trigger. Turns out there was a ball in there, and it went high up into the sky. The soldiers and the colonists both heard it and started shooting. Naruto and Sasuke ducked out of there as quickly as they could.

"We just started a war," said Sasuke. "Now the mystery is solved."

"Did America or Britain fire the Shot Heard Round the World?" Naruto said. "Neither. Two ninjas from the future did. That's weird."

"Time travel is weird," said Sasuke as they returned to his driveway. Sakura was sitting on his front porch reading a book and eating a slice of pizza.

"We're back, Sakura!" Naruto called.

"Oh, good," she said as she went up and hugged them. "How were your family reunions?"

Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other quizzically before remembering.

"Oh, yeah, that's why we went back in time," said Sasuke.

"You guys," Sakura groaned.

* * *

Sorry it took so long. I had a lot of ideas and had to root through them. Tune in next time for when they actually attend a family reunion!


	3. Uzumaki Family Reunion

Naruto and Sasuke's Excellent Journey

As you know, I do not own the title characters. In this one, Naruto and Sasuke find out that their parents are actually still alive and just left the village (I'll explain all of that later). So they go through time to attend two family reunions. And why is Sasuke still on the show, you ask? He's making a special appearance. Read it.

Chapter 3: Uzumaki Family Reunion

In which Naruto and Sasuke meet the new Shikamaru, attend Naruto's family reunion, and join the circus

* * *

"How the hell did you forget why you went back in time?" Sakura asked. Naruto and Sasuke had to take a day off to let the time machine recharge. "Neither of you has seen your family in basically ever, so how did you forget?"

"That's a good question," said Sasuke. "I think it was the heat of the moment, telling us what our hearts meant."

"How long were you back in the 80s?" Sakura asked.

"Not that long," said Naruto. "I think he just wanted to sing that song."

"I like the song, too," said Sakura, "But the point is...fuck it, just go to one of your family reunions tomorrow."

"Okay," said Naruto. "Hey, Sasuke, you wanna go get hoagies?"

"Sounds good. Want one, Sakura?"

"Turkey and ham, no lettuce, one tomato slice, and if there is one drop of oil on it, I'll kill them."

"You're really not fat at all," said Sasuke. "So stop beating yourself up like that. Look at me."

"You exercise just about every day," said Sakura. "I stay at home and beat myself up in various video games. I'm watching my weight so I won't get replaced on the show."

"I don't think that'll happen," said Naruto, "But suit yourself."

"And I don't exercise anymore," said Sasuke. "I stay at home and play Double Dragon all the time when I'm not working."

The two boys went to the sandwich shop. Shikamaru, Chouji, and Ino were in there placing an order.

"I'll have a Double Dragon Tummy Buster," said Chouji. "With extra vinegar and oregano."

"I'll have a cheese hoagie with gorgonzola and mozzerella," said Ino.

"Um...I'll have the salmon burger," said Shikamaru. "Hold the ranch dressing."

"We're in a sandwich shop, Shikamaru," said Ino. "Do you want me to read you the menu again?"

"Wow, Shikamaru's a total idiot," Sasuke whispered.

"It totally worked," Naruto whispered back. "And we can get away with it because we're the ones who went back in time, so everyone else always knew Shikamaru this way."

"Oh, heeeeyyyyy, Sasuke!" Ino said. She went up to him and started to kiss all over his face. "How are you today?"

"I'm fine," said Sasuke as he pepper sprayed Ino in the face. "And I've told you multiple times not to do that. Notice anything different about Shikamaru?"

"No, he's just himself," said Ino. "Hey, Shikamaru, are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah," said Shikamaru. "I think I'm okay. I'm in one piece, right?"

"No, you're in Naruto," said Naruto.

"That's right," said Shikamaru. "I thought I was in TMNT. That stands for Terrible Mothers Never Tire, right?"

"No, it stands for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and you're not in that," said Chouji.

"Stop messing with his head, you two," Ino whispered. Naruto and Sasuke turned red trying not to laugh.

"What do you two want?" asked the cashier.

"Turkey and ham with one tomato slice, no lettuce, and for heaven's sake, no oil," said Naruto.

"Oh, Sakura wants a hoagie," said the cashier. "I was on the wrong end of that once. One Haruno Sakura! Anything else?"

"I'd like the Street Fighter Special," said Naruto.

"We don't have that," said the cashier. "But we can give you the Tekken Trio combo."

"I'll just have a veggie burger," said Naruto.

"I didn't know you were gay," said Sasuke.

"I'm not," said Naruto.

"So why are you eating a veggie burger?"

"Because I want one. Can't a guy just eat?"

"You can, but I'd like to see you be a man."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"You know what it means, Naruto."

"Oh, and you're calling me gay."

"I'm getting a little offended here," said the cashier, "Because my brother is gay."

"Oh, I guess it sucks to be him," Sasuke smirked. The cashier pulled out a gun and shot him in a fashion that reminded Naruto of Monty Python.

"A Haruno Sakura and a veggie burger coming up," said the cashier. "I had good reason to shoot him."

"I'm not dead," said Sasuke as he got up. "The bullet went into my thick skull."

"And it was rubber, anyway," said the cashier. "But you get nothing."

"I just want an Italian hoagie."

"YOU! GET! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"All right, fine."

They took the sandwiches back to Sasuke's house. Over lunch, Sakura tried to explain things to them.

"Listen, fuck-ups," she said with her mouth full, "Go back to whenever the hell you were supposed to go. Attend a family reunion. Come back here when it's over. Recharge the time machine. Go to the other one the next day. Come back. Move on with your lives. Any questions?"

"Yeah, could you say that again in Spanish, but with a German accent?" Naruto asked. Sakura responded by kicking him in the nuts. "I was joking, dammit!"

"And I was serious," said Sakura. "I'm going to be here with you two for the night to make sure you go to your family reunion tomorrow. And get your minds out of the damn gutter!"

The next day, Naruto and Sasuke woke up. They shaved and showered. Naruto breakfasted on a piece of toast and a cup of coffee. Sasuke breakfasted on his kitchen table. He had a bowl of Trix because the Lucky Charms were too stale to even think about eating.

"Okay," said Sakura. "Listen up carefully. You're going to go to Naruto's family reunion. Last year. In summer 2008. Go there, stay the duration, come back and tell me how it was. Any questions?"

"Yes," said Sasuke.

"If you want me to say it in another language, I will shoot you in a style reminiscent of a Monty Python sketch."

"No, I was going to ask how you do a Shoryuken in SFIV."

Sakura took a deep breath and threw Sasuke's PS3 out the window.

"That's actually Tenten's PS3," said Sasuke. "Mine's upstairs."

"TIME TRAVEL!!!!!!" Sakura screamed. Naruto and Sasuke jumped on and went back to last summer.

"I think it might be her time of the month," said Naruto. "Hey, you wanna go back to Sakura's first period?"

"Why?" asked Sasuke. "It happened during school. We were spying on her in the bathroom and..."

The two of them almost fell off the machine laughing before realizing what exactly they had seen.

"Summer 2008," said Sasuke as they came out of the time portal. "We're looking for a village in a cave. That's the only cave nearby."

"Right, it's in the Village Located in this Cave that is Clearly a Cave and Nothing Else," said Naruto. He looked at the sign outside the cave. "The Village Located in this Cave that is Clearly a Cave and Nothing Else...three miles south."

"Should we walk or take the machine?"

"Well, I don't want to be tired when I see the family I've never seen, so let's just go forward in time maybe...half an hour."

They skipped thirty minutes ahead to when they were walking from the first cave to their destination. Another five minutes ahead, and they stopped so Naruto could take a piss. They went ahead another five minutes and they overshot their mark by two minutes, so they went back another three and mysteriously found themselves back at the first cave.

"Fuck it, we're walking," they both said.

They walked the three miles to the cave, stopping at one point so Naruto could take a piss, then stopping again later because Sasuke saw a rock in the distance that looked like Zakk Wylde. Finally, the two young ninjas came to the cave that was the location of the Village Located in this Cave that is Clearly a Cave and Nothing Else.

"Naruto," someone said. "You came. And you brought your partner, that's...nice."

"Sasuke's not my partner," said Naruto. "He's my friend. And who the hell are you?"

"Is that any way to speak to your dad?" Mr. Uzumaki asked. Naruto looked at the man who looked a lot like him, except for red hair and deep purple eyes.

"You're my dad?" asked Naruto.

"Are there twenty-seven hours in a day, old boy?"

"No," said Naruto. "And I'm twenty-three, I'm not old."

"You're still our boy, Naruto," said Mrs. Uzumaki. Naruto and Sasuke exchanged glances after looking at an ugly woman who had Naruto's exact eyes and ears.

"Please tell me you adopted me," said Naruto.

"We did," said Mr. Uzumaki. "Your real parents died fighting the demon fox. The fourth Hokage being your father is a show thing. We adopted you because no one else would, then we threw you to the wind after signing you up to be on the Naruto TV show."

"I think I like that story better," said Naruto.

"Hey, I know I'm an Uchiha, but is there any beer here?" Sasuke asked. "I'm thirsty."

"Lots of drinks over there," said Mr. Uzumaki. "Here's the deal, Naruto. You're really our kid. I know your mom and I were never there."

"Never there," said Naruto. "I don't like Cake. I prefer Cherry Pie."

"It's the truth," said Mrs. Uzumaki.

"Look," said Naruto as he pulled a photo album out of his ass. "Here's me taking my first steps. Here's me going in my potty for the first time. Here's me on my first day of school. Here's me graduating kindergarten. Here's me at my junior prom. Here's me at my senior prom. Here's me graduating high school. Here's me at my bachelor party. Here's me on the altar. And this is me on the altar after Hinata ditched me because she just made a bet with Temari. Note to self: shoot Temari. Shoot to kill. Shoot Temari temarra. What was I saying? Oh, yeah, as far as I'm concerned, you two were some piss poor parents."

"Look, we signed you up for the show," said Mrs. Uzumaki. "We signed you up from birth because we were trying to beat out the Aburames. We did, too."

"So if you didn't sign me up, the series would have been about Shino?"

"That's correct."

"Oh, my god," said Naruto. "You two...but why the hell did you leave me alone?"

"To get you into character," said Mr. Uzumaki. "We knew our son was born to be a method actor."

"So, I'm the dude playin' the dude who could have been played by another dude?"

"That's right, dude," said Mr. Uzumaki. "Now, then, let's have that father-son time we never got."

"Oh, by the way," said Mrs. Uzumaki, "You really are too much a method actor if you're going in your potty for the first time at age seven, graduating kindergarten at age nine, and graduating high school at age twenty-three."

"Now, Jill," said Mr. Uzumaki, "He's still our son. Come on, champ, find your bud Sasuke, and we'll have a catch. Go fishing. Play golf. What do fathers do with their sons?"

"How the hell would I know?" Naruto screamed. "Why the fuck did you have to do this to me?"

"There are children here," said a mother covering her son's ears.

"Take a hike, distant relative," Naruto responded. "Listen up here, Dick. I don't care if you really are my father. Hell, I don't care if you're the fucking pope, but I guess if you're the pope, you couldn't be my father because you'd be way too old. You'd shoot blanks. What I'm saying is...what am I saying?"

"You have mixed feelings," said Mr. Uzumaki. "I think I know why, son."

"I'm sure you do, Rick."

"That's my name, Naruto. Okay, it's actually Richard, but that's not important. What's important is that you're reunited with my family. That's the whole point of these family reunions."

"I got your letter inviting me here next year," said Naruto.

"How could you get the letter next year when you know to be here this year?" asked Mr. Uzumaki.

"Sasuke and I came here on a time machine."

"Oh. Well, son, let me share with you a story of my past. When I was eight years old, my daddy left us. And so did my mom a year later, but that's not important. My brother, mom, and I were heartbroken when he just kissed us all and went out of the house with my mom's brother's wife. I never saw him or Aunt Katie again. But I swore that I would never up and leave my own son like that. I know what I did to you, Naruto. But...even if we wanted you to be a method actor, we should have left the choice to you. Can you accept your father's deepest apology?"

"He left you to join the circus," said Sasuke as he finished his beer. "He left when you mentioned being eight. I gotta get him back."

Sasuke ran out of the cave and looked around. He saw the tents and wagons. He ran over to the office, where Naruto was talking to the circus owner.

"You're in, Mr. Uzumaki," said the owner as they shook hands. "I'm always glad to have another freak in the freak show."

"I'm not a freak," said Naruto as a clown pinched his neck.

"And you're joining him," said the owner as he pinched Sasuke's neck. "Some ninja that guy was."

When they next woke up, Naruto and Sasuke found themselves fused together. It got better when they realized that they were fused together at the penis.

"This wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that I've gotta piss like hell," said Sasuke. "All that beer. How'd they get us together like this, anyway?"

"And now our newest freak in the freak show," announced the ringmaster, "The Siamese Twin-ja!"

Naruto and Sasuke were suddenly brought down in front of the cheering audience. They looked around, wondering exactly what the hell was going on.

"I can't hold it any longer," said Sasuke as a stream of urine flowed from his anus, much to the amusement of the audience.

"Did you just piss out your asshole?" Naruto asked.

"Yeah, I think so."

"Dude, that is fucking wicked! I gotta get something to drink!" Naruto tried to run, but smacked into Sasuke, causing them to fall over. "Sorry."

"You'd better be," said Sasuke. "But how are we going to get out of here?"

"And the next attraction, the Soul Creature!"

Naruto and Sasuke watched as Ichigo and Ganju, who were fused at the ass walked out awkwardly.

"I've really gotta take a dump," said Ichigo.

"Well, you can't do it in my ass," said Ganju. "Shit out your mouth."

"It's not coming out of my mouth," said Ichigo. "GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

The audience went wild as Ichigo pooped on the ground. It didn't come out his ass, it didn't come out his mouth, his ears, his nose, his eyes, and it didn't come out of any part of Ganju. You do the math.

"That's my son!" Mr. Uzumaki shouted. He ran down to the ring, punched out the ringmaster, and brought Naruto and Sasuke back to the cave.

"I'll fix you up," he said. "Or I would, at least, if I knew anything about medicine."

"Do you know anything about medicine, Dad?" Naruto asked.

"Only that you're supposed to see a doctor if you experience an erection lasting over four hours. Wait, did you just call me Dad?"

"Enjoy it while it lasts, you bastard," said Naruto. "I know they have the technology in my home time period to fix this problem."

"It's only one year later," said Mr. Uzumaki. "They've been able to fix problems like yours since about '78."

"What the fuck ever," said Naruto. "Bye." He and Sasuke lumbered onto the time machine and went off.

"So, what time do you want to return?" Sasuke asked.

"I was thinking around four so I could catch the _Twilight Zone _mini marathon," Naruto answered.

"Oh," said Sasuke. "You do know I'm not a fan of the _Twilight Zone_."

"Whatever," said Naruto. "You know I don't have DVR."

"Neither do I," said Sasuke. "And I know we're going to my house, so I should be in charge of the TV."

"I'm a guest in your house."

"Yes, well, we're going to have to compromise until this gets fixed, seeing as your dick is fused to mine."

"Look, we're not getting fixed until I've pissed out my asshole. That's really cool."

"Yeah, but did you see what happened to Ichigo?"

"Okay, that I'd hate. We're home, by the way."

They turned the Segway and landed in Sasuke's garage. They went in to where Sakura was playing _Clay Fighter_.

"Oh, hey," she said as she turned around. "How was...what the fuck happened to you?"

"We joined the circus," said Naruto. "I signed up."

"I was nerve-pinched," said Sasuke. "Next thing you know, we wake up and our dicks are stuck together."

"It's not dick, it's penis," said Sakura.

"Penis?" said Sasuke. "I asked for cashews!"

"Very funny," said Sakura. "By the way, I am so FaceBooking this." She took out her phone and took a picture.

"Oh, awesome," said Naruto. "I've gotta piss."

"It's not piss, it's urinate," said Sakura.

"Urinate?" asked Sasuke. "Come on Sakura, you've got to admit Naruto's at least an eight and a half!"

"How long did it take you to come up with that one?" Naruto asked as they went to the bathroom.

"I keep a lot of them so that I can be ready when I need to use one."

"Why are you so happy that you have to go number one?" asked Sakura.

"Because I get to piss out my asshole!" Naruto shouted excitedly, making Sakura roll her eyes.

"It's not asshole, it's rectum," said Sakura.

"Rectum?" said Sasuke. "Damn near..."

Sakura punched Sasuke in the back of the head while Naruto sat on the toilet to pee out his butt.

"Dammit, Sakura!" he shouted when he and Sasuke butted heads. "Kissing him once back in the day was bad enough! I don't want to do it again!"

"Well, you actually kissed him four times, because we needed four takes," said Sakura.

"The first take they threw out because I didn't look surprised enough," said Sasuke. "The second one Naruto licked my face for the outtake reel. And you insisted on changing your tampon during the third take."

"They're not tampons," said Sakura. "They're lady sponges."

"Lady sponges," said Sasuke. "...I can't think of something for that one. You win this round, Sakura, but now, you have to get us to the hospital, because having my penis attached to another man's penis is getting very strange for me. And one of us is getting a boner. It's not me."

"Sorry," said Naruto. "I just thought of Sakura's face on the body of Sakura from SF."

Naruto and Sasuke spent the night in the hospital after being separated and having their pipes rerouted. Naruto stayed a bit longer to recover from his wounds from Sakura beating the shit out of him.

* * *

The start of school took some time, but I cranked this one out. The future will be next!


	4. The Future

Naruto and Sasuke's Excellent Journey

As you know, I do not own the title characters. In this one, Naruto and Sasuke find out that their parents are actually still alive and just left the village (I'll explain all of that later). So they go through time to attend two family reunions. And why is Sasuke still on the show, you ask? He's making a special appearance. Read it.

Chapter 4: The Future

In which Naruto and Sasuke see a naked woman, give Ryu directions, and win a fight against Noob Saibot

* * *

"To the next destination!" Sasuke declared as he and Naruto got on the time machine.

"Which is..." Naruto began. "Where are we going? Your family reunion last year, right?"

"Yeah, let's go," said Sasuke. They traveled back a year, then Sasuke had an idea. "Hey, let's check out the future first."

"Ooh, yeah, that sounds good," said Naruto. They traveled ahead to the future, which actually turned out to be the near future, so they ended up somewhere around Karakura.

"Is this Bleach?" asked Sasuke.

"No, it's fabric softener," said Naruto. "Wait, this is Bleach. What are we doing here?"

"That's a most excellent question, Naruto," Sasuke responded. "I had to say that."

They cruised down the street, looking around for anything they could do to make trouble. An opportunity almost arose when Tatsuki and Chizuru started fighting, but Naruto and Sasuke dealt with other things that arose.

"What are you two doing?" someone asked. Naruto and Sasuke turned around to see Ichigo and Ganju.

"Okay, this is confusing," said Sasuke. "We saw you last year."

"We also have a time machine," said Ganju. "Our buddy flick, if this lazy-ass author gets around to writing it, involves a time paradox and false accusation."

"Oh, by the way, we need your help," said Ichigo.

"What is it?" Naruto asked.

"Can you tell us where the nearest Good Burger is?"

"I think there's one right behind us," said Sasuke. At that moment, a Good Burger dropped from the sky and Ed was heard saying, "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?"

"How'd you do that?" asked Ganju.

"Magic, I guess," said Sasuke. "And now, a naked Hayley Williams." Instead, a naked Nina Williams fell from the sky. "Good enough."

"I actually belong to a nude skydiving club," said Nina. "Some bastard took my parachute, but I know how to fall."

"Wait," said Ganju. "Can you jump rope for a minute, and...Ichigo, cut that out!" Ichigo was nosebleeding on the ground and freaking out in general.

"And you wonder why people think you're gay," said Naruto.

"I'm not gay," said Ichigo. "Yes, I like it when other men touch my penis, but I like having my penis touched in general. Oh, and your barn door's open, Sasuke."

At that moment, a barn fell out of the sky with an open door, so all the horses ran away.

"I'm getting uncomfortable here," said Sasuke as he zipped up his pants.

"Yeah," said Naruto. They made a warp to even further in the future, but that took them to SNK.

"I never was a fan of _Final Fight_," said Naruto as they arrived.

"That's a Crapcom game, dumb-ass," said Terry Bogard. "Hi, I'm Terry Bogard from _KOF_. This is my lesser known brother Andy. How can we help the frontmen of _Naruto_?"

"We just wanted to come to the future," said Naruto.

"Compared to what," said Andy. "Every time is the future, because even a second ago is the past. So much past. So much future. So much color."

"Great, he's shrooming again," said Terry. "Sorry."

"No, it's okay," said Sasuke. He giggled.

"What's so funny?" Naruto asked as they started walking.

"I came by here yesterday to give Andy the acid, not the shrooms. You wanna know how I got the acid?"

"Did you steal it from Jimi Hendrix?"

"Actually, I stole it from James Cameron."

"James Cameron?"

"Have you seen _Avatar?"_

_"_I haven't, and neither has the author at the time he wrote this, so if he's going to make any jokes, he'd better not."

"Damn," said the man sitting on the other side of the computer. "I'll just take them to the part where they give Ryu directions."

"Yeah," said Sasuke, "You just go to that bridge that'll take you to the highway, go through Square Enix, and you'll be right in Namco."

Naruto and Sasuke then went four thousand years into the future. They immediately turned around because they entered in the middle of the Apocalypse.

"Where can we go in the future that's safe?" asked Naruto.

"Here's an idea," said Sasuke. "Let's go to the year...shit."

"Got it," said Naruto as he typed in shit.

"I said that because I couldn't remember the year I wanted," said Sasuke as they appeared in the same place they were before except everything was made of shit. "But if we can do this...are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"You're not thinking at all!" Noob Saibot shouted. "Now I can't take a dump without worrying about missing my toilet! Fight!"

"This is getting too fucking confusing," said Naruto as he tore off Noob's arms and smacked him across the face. "Let's get out of here."

They went back to the present. Sakura was watching TV.

"I know you didn't go back to the right time period," she said. "I'm not upset this time, but if you two aren't gone when I go into that room, I'll shoot you both."

"You're not our mother," said Sasuke.

"No, but you won't see her again if you don't go," said Sakura.

Naruto and Sasuke immediately warped away.

* * *

The Uchiha family reunion and the final parts of the story. All good things must come to an end, as all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away again, and all crappy things must come to an end, as nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain.


	5. Uchiha Family Reunion

Naruto and Sasuke's Excellent Journey

As you know, I do not own the title characters. In this one, Naruto and Sasuke find out that their parents are actually still alive and just left the village (I'll explain all of that later). So they go through time to attend two family reunions. And why is Sasuke still on the show, you ask? He's making a special appearance. Read it.

Chapter 5: Uchiha Family Reunion

In which Naruto and Sasuke run afoul of the Police, learn another life lesson, and Naruto gets herpes

* * *

"All right!" said Sasuke. "We made it. Now to find my family reunion. I think it's over that-a-way."

"What the hell is that-a-way?" asked Naruto. "You mean to say it's that way."

"Yes, Naruto, it's that-a-way."

"Who are you, Mario? It's that way."

"That-a-way."

"That way."

"That-a-way."

"Okay, say that."

"I know what you're trying to do, Brian."

"Fuck you," said Naruto.

"Irregardless of that, we're going to go that-a-way to the reunion."

"Again!" Naruto shouted. "It's not that-a-way, and...did you also say irregardless?"

"Yes."

"GAAAAAAH!" Naruto tore out his hair and smashed his head on the ground. "Goddamn you, Seth MacFarlane for giving us Stewie and his humorous mispronunciations of words!"

"Seriously, though, it's that way." Sasuke pointed at the sign that read "Uchiha family reunion this way. "Let's go."

Naruto kept screaming as they rode the three miles to the reunion. He only stopped once when he passed out for a minute. He woke up and continued screaming after that until they reached the location.

"Hey, little bro," said Itachi. He was holding a cigar in one hand and a martini in the other. "And Naruto. You two tied the knot?"

"No," said Sasuke. "And this is the nicest you've ever been. Are you...drunk?"

"A little," said Itachi as he smashed his glass right into his nose. "I like having martinis up my nose."

"Weird," said Naruto. "I'll let you two have some bro time."

"No, please don't leave me...shit." Sasuke stood there awkwardly looking his brother in the face.

"Here's the thing, bro," said Itachi. "What you saw on the show...that was acting, dude. I'm really good at it."

"Not really," said Sasuke. "I've seen Orlando Bloom have an easier time changing his facial expression."

"You seem bitter, son," said Mr. Uchiha. Sasuke looked over at his father. "What's on your mind? There a girl you like?"

"No, Dad."

"A boy then? It's okay. I won't judge, but your grandfather will."

"No, Dad. It's just...could you please come home and clean out the house? I'm sick of waking up to seeing your...inventions all over the place. It's annoying, and it's bad for the resale value."

"You're trying to sell the house?"

"I'm the only one who lives there now, and I plan to sell a lot of things. You still want that automatic chair warmer you invented?"

"No, son, the last time I used that I set the couch on fire."

"Oh. How about the prank Van Halen CD?"

"What?"

"You pranked Mom by giving her a Van Halen CD with Avril Lavigne songs."

"Wow. I don't remember that."

"Here's a question for you, Sasuke," said Itachi. "What have you invented?"

"Nothing," said Sasuke. "I was an actor until my character was killed off, then I started working at the post office. What's your point?"

"...I don't know," said Itachi. "That was probably the alcohol talking." He took three steps and fell up a staircase that appeared out of nowhere.

"I think what your brother meant to say was that you should find a way to make the best of the situation," said Mr. Uchiha. "And maybe money isn't the best way."

"Hey, sorry to interrupt," said Naruto, "But VH1 is showing an Anthrax concert from 86, and I can't miss it."

"Oh, yes," said Mr. Uchiha. "I know what concert they're showing. It's the one where Scott Ian's pants catch fire and he stage dives into that puddle of beer, right?"

"I'm not sure," said Naruto, "But it starts in about twenty minutes and I want time to grab something to eat before it comes on."

Naruto grabbed Sasuke without a further word and they returned to the present. Immediately Naruto kicked Sakura out of his favorite chair and started watching the concert and eating popcorn. Meanwhile back in time Itachi threw up. Since that detail is unrelated to the main story, I have no idea why I mentioned it. Oh, well, I'm too lazy to change that now. While watching, someone knocked on the door. Naruto opened it and saw Sting and Andy Summers at the door.

"Can I help you gentlemen?" Naruto asked.

"Yes," said Sting. "We are Sting and Andy Summers and we are here to repossess your TV for watching hair metal."

"But there's nothing wrong with hair metal."

"There is in our eyes," said Summers, getting a slap from Sting.

"I never said you could open your mouth!" Sting shouted.

"By the way, where's Stewart Copeland?" Naruto asked.

"He's beating the shit out of your friend and taking your TV," said Sting. "You, ma'am..."

"Sir."

"You, sir, have run afoul of the Police."

Naruto looked at the two middle aged Englishmen on his front step. He shut the door, locked it, and went back, only to see Copeland still fighting Sasuke and winning.

"Are you losing a fight to a guy from the Police?" Naruto asked.

"Give me the TV!" Copeland shouted.

"It's not mine to give up!" Sasuke responded. "Why are you even fighting me?"

"Because you said that Dio was a better Sabbath frontman than Ozzy!"

"Dio was better!"

"Well, your opinion is wrong!"

"How the hell can an opinion be wrong?"

"Um..." Naruto began, but decided not to say anything.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!" Sakura suddenly screamed. "Naruto, you kicked me out of that chair! Sasuke, you turned up the TV way too loud, and...who the fuck are you?"

"Stewart Copeland of the Police."

"Who?"

"No, the Police."

"What?"

"You asked if I was in the Who, and I corrected you and said I was in the Police."

"No, I was asking who you are."

"Who's on..."

"If you say who's on first, I will break your arm," Sakura growled. "What did you say your name was?"

"Stewart Copeland."

"Spell it, please."

Copeland spelled his name and Sakura wrote it down in a little book. She waited forty seconds and Copeland collapsed.

"You just killed a man with a Death Note in my house on my clean carpet," said Naruto. "You have just redefined the word bitch, Sakura."

"I gave him a heart attack, Naruto. Your carpet's fine."

"Fuck this," said Naruto. "I'm gonna go bang a hooker."

"Oh, I'm coming, too!" Sasuke said excitedly, falling off of the couch he had been lying on since Sakura came back into the room. "That's what she said and no pun intended and no homo to be sure."

Naruto and Sakura watched as Sasuke in his excitement fell down a flight of stairs that was not there previously and badly injured himself at the bottom.

"The guy who wrote this has one sick sense of humor," said Naruto.

"If we're breaking the fourth wall, I should point out that you'll get herpes in this chapter," said Sakura.

"Really?"

"I've seen him make good on the first two things so far. You learned a life lesson at Sasuke's family reunion, the Police came by here to repossess your TV, which Sting just stole, by the way."

"That's the shitty one anyway."

"I know."

"So I'm not going to tell him where the good TV is."

"There's another TV in the bathroom!" Summers shouted.

"Hang on." Naruto ran to the bathroom and gave Summers a swirlie before throwing him down the stairs that were not there previously.

"As I was saying," Sakura continued, "Since there is a 100% chance you will have herpes at the end of this chapter, banging a hooker is not the wisest option."

"Sakura, have I ever been wise beyond being a wiseass?"

"I'll grant you that one, but use some common sense."

"No, Sakura, I'm going to bang that hooker. Besides, it's not like herpes makes my dick fall off. I'll just itch and get outbreaks and shit. It's not as bad as it may seem."

"You're not banging that hooker," Sakura insisted. She tied Naruto down and stuffed a gag in his mouth. She was unaware that the gag had a certain virus on it. Naruto promptly suffered an outbreak of oral herpes. "Oops," was Sakura's only response. "I guess you can bang that hooker now."

Naruto went out, banged the hooker, and returned with the clap, which Sakura agreed to treat. By the way, gonorrhea is called the clap because a common early treatment for males was for the doctor to clap the patient's penis to clear the blockage. It's true! So use a condom, unlike Naruto. You can't beat the Axis if you get VD!

* * *

Almost over, friends! But fear not, you know I have more stories to write.


End file.
